Betelgeus

You know, the really great thing about the end of the world is that I won't need my crutches any more. I hate crutches-I hate them almost as much as I hate dentists, raw onions, limps and high school musical. And what's fantastic is that in the case of an apocalypse resulting from a star going supernova, I probably won't need to keep those crutches. It's true, there's a silver lining to everything- including the end of creation.
What's really fantastic about Betelgeus is the general ignorance of the situation- I mean every few months people panic about some kind of apocalyptic happening, from zombies to atoms, but this- according to my physics teacher- very real threat, is being utterly ignored. Because we're scared? Or just because people honestly don't care to know or attempt to comprehend?Maybe it's 'cos it's more fun saying the worlds going to end and then having a good laugh the next day at everyone who ran around saying goodbye to each other and flipping off the maths teacher. It's not so funny when everyone just dies. Sort of grim, actually.
The most incredible thing, of course, is that we don't know when it'll happen. I mean, even saying, hypothetically, that we did know whether or not the radiation Betelgeus' supernova emits would kill every living thing on the earth, we still wouldn't know when it would happen, because it's unlikely we'd be alive to see it. Bit of an anti climax really, if I'm absolutely honest. We all die, and then what? We get to see the big bang from heaven?? 'Yeah, thanks, it'd have been nice if I could've seen my death coming you know, just a thought....'
So, there's a possibility of an apocalypse, but none of us know when it's going to happen or if it's going to happen and we're doing something completely against our natures- no ones taking sides.I mean, I can hardly talk. My biggest problem at the moment is getting out of my biology detention cos I turned up late....on crutches... Yeah, apparently the attitude of being absurdly obnoxious is an art practiced my biology teacher in a Jesuit Catholic boarding school. Sounds about right.
I mean, it's a lot like my first GCSE exam. I know it's next week, and I'm faaairly certain that it's on Friday, and if I was to take a guess I'd say it could be in the morning. But I've got no idea what subject it's in. I know I should be panicking. I know I should be stressing and revising and going mad and putting all my excess teenage hormones into developing a bookish strand of OCD.
But I just can't take the threat seriously without knowing it fully. And there's such a thin line, between not taking something as a threat because you don't know it, and being overly paranoid because of a fear of the unknown. Which ones better? I'd say the first, considering the latter would turn us all into paranoid insomniacs theorising about doomsday in front of Glee series 2 whilst eating tacos and wondering why summers so cold this year. But maybe neither is better.
I mean, I'm not saying I'm a paranoid insomniac who dreams of the apocalypse and like musical tv shows and mexican junk food. But I am saying that it's probably not good that I don't know what my first exam is.
I suppose there's levels. Levels of fear, levels of knowledge, levels of priority... I figure I'm just scared to know what my first exam is, so I let myself drift in an ignorant bliss. (Well, I say drift. Hobble. On my stupid crutches....) But on the other hand, something like Betelgeus- or the fact that my pet hamster was actually killed by my brother's cat, but my Mum told me it ran away- maybe we should remain ignorant of that kind of thing.

We all know this (rubbish) about Adam and Eve and Prometheus and all those 'fools' who stole knowledge from the Gods, and I'm not saying we don't need to or shouldn't pursue knowledge. That's human nature. Curiosity killed the cat but the human being thrives off it. It's what gives us meaning in our lives- this pursuit of new sensations and ideas and ways to do things.

However, maybe it's possible that sometimes, just sometimes, we need to not know. We need to close our eyes and block our ears and just forget. It's probably not 'right' and it's probably not big or bold or self sacrificing. But it's human, too.

The best thing about the apocalypse is that even if it comes tomorrow, tomorrow will just be like any other day, with something eventful in the middle.

Summer, TV,

And volcanic ash too- it's funny what randomly jumps into your mind when you sit down to write a long overdue blog update. I'm sorry, again, but seriously, there was this volcano in Iceland... Well, you know the story.
So, whilst sitting in my business class seat on my week late flight back from Hong Kong, I thought quite a bit. I also slept and watched Dorian Gray (creepy movie!) It's funny how much can cross your mind without you really thinking anything. And how a day flight can still leave you dog tired with jetlag...
Anyway, when I got back to England, it was cold. I mean, really cold-what's with that?? It IS summer right? Luckily it warmed up pretty quick, and thanks to our schmancy business class seat, me and my bro managed to get off the plane and out of departures in about 45 minutes, which is a record time in a life of airline travel. We saved a heck of a lot of time, and managed to get back in time to catch up on Doctor Who and play games with our family, AND eat roast chicken.In terms of time won and saved it was a win- win situation, and as we lay, digesting our delicious meal, raging over Rummikub and wishing that sleep would come before sunrise, i'm sure my brother and I shared a sense of quiet satisfaction that just this once, everything had gone smoothly.
But then it's funny, how time works. Because originally, we were supposed to be flying back to England on the 17th April- before we got a call saying it was rescheduled to the 4th May (some rubbish about glaciers melting and funny clouds) Cue panic about GCSE's, getting back at all, and the idea of my Mum home schooling us- but secretly me and my brother were glad- not just because we were getting to spend school time in a tropical country swimming in the pool or sailing in the ocean. No it was much....'deeper' than that.It was time with family, a little freedom, a gold and chocolate extra bit of holiday dropped straight into our laps, with an extra coating of volcanic ash. So that when we got another call saying we now had to fly back on 27th April,a week earlier than planned, my Mum and I spontaneously burst into tears- and it didn't feel particularly triumphant. I'm not (much of) a teary person- unless Black Beauty, Bridge to Terabithia, or Hamlet is involved. But it was something like a line Lemony Snicket once wrote- 'it's like arriving at the top of the stairs in the dark, and there's that sickening moment where your foot falls through space, missing a step that isn't there'. Or something like that; it's all a half real expectation that seems all the more of a loss when it's no longer held to be true. All those moments half dreamed up already, time with family and being home, suddenly made to be nothing more than an impossible fantasy.
And then I get back here and it turns out I've missed nearly all of Spring too- the daffodils are withering, and there's no raspberries anywhere! And suddenly it's all less win-win and more lose-lose. I've missed all these televised debates, almost the whole election, and 4 episodes of Doctor Who (caught up on iplayer, didn't bother with Gordon Brown calling someone a bigot though). It also turns out that what I, stupidly, imagined as a small favour for a friend has resulted in me standing up in a mock election for the Green Party next Thursday- whose manifesto I'm barely aware of. (A friend recommended I bring a fake spliff, and that was about where my research ended.) All my time, all these things that have happened, should happen, could happen, will happen have escaped my grasp- like fishing with a handreel and feeding those annoying little fish on the end rather than catching them. There's a niggling sense of their existence- a tug on the line, ripples in the water, but when you reel it in, it's just- empty.
In spite of all this, it's actually sort of comfortable.Sad, yes. A little bit painful, yes. 100% bewildering- without doubt. But when it comes down to it, it's a lot easier to deal with than you'd think- almost enjoyable. I've, often, said that I'm generally unaware of my location in the space-time continuum. But that's a lot more difficult than it sounds, because you are made to be constantly- presented daily with your timetable, calendar, diary, whatever it is. Even the seasons themselves dictate things to do, clothes to wear, food to eat, places to go. Everything is under some kind of influence. Being detached from all of it, and watching yourself slowly sink back in, is pretty fun. It gives you a chance to feel more certain of yourself- because that's the only thing you're certain of, and let you get your own perspective sorted.
So, if any of you (DFJ) are in the pursuit of a sense of liberation, freedom, or true equality, I'd recommend taking a break and getting stuck in a country six thousand miles away- because there's nothing like a bubble of chaos to yank you out of the order of things and let you sit back and watch- if only for a little while.

Courage, planes and stability.

You know what- I really love England. I love the rain, I love the inordinate amount of snow; I love conkers and daffodils, robins and badgers. Rabid foxes are just part o' the life on our little green isle, and Arsenal FC, well, they're not really English are they? I can't say I really accept anything to do with Gordon Brown, or our oh-so-very capable government- but then 'What are men compared to rocks and mountains?' or in the case of the UK, really big hills.
Of course- I'm sure part of this is homesickness, having already been away from my mother land for two whole days. Hong Kong's pretty nice, warm,lovely- even if we are living a cupboard, but I can't help but pine for good old Britain. It's not got anything to do with a melodramatic attempt to escape from my revision. That would be ridiculous.
In my last two weeks in England I had a heck of a lot of fun. Not sure when exactly I managed to rest, but that's the 'hill for you- the city that never sleeps. Or rather, hamlet. Still, rock climbing, shakespeare, sponsored silence (I did it for the whole 8 hours- didn't think I would? O ye of little faith) doing an aerobatic display for a roundabout, performing Faure's requiem in a massed choir in London for the Jesuits (and getting a standing ovation!) etc, well it's just one of the things I love about our little country- even the boff can do anything with the right determination, address and bus driver.
During my flight, I got to thinking about how all planes are essentially the same.Of course, there's a big difference between a Grob tutor, a Hawk and a 747. I've never flown in a Hawk, but I've imagined it often enough ( the red arrows have got nothing on me- In my head) It's something I've noticed though-not their differences, got those pretty quickly. But their similarities- the same freedom, new limits, new frontier. The way you feel as you go into the air, everything you can see... It's incredible, thrilling, out of this world. So peaceful, and at the same time, very nearly out of control.
It's not so different from our life- my family's anyway. For example, three weeks ago, after a rehearsal, violin lesson and charity committee meeting I got a call from my parents, who handed me over to my headmaster so I could give him a message for his wife, and then explained to me they'd just moved into a new house which I'd never seen before and would get my new bed tomorrow.
I relayed this to a fellow actor whilst we were rehearsing, who asked me if the word 'stability' meant anything to my family.
The answer is no, no it doesn't.
My proof? I recounted the story to my Mum this afternoon, who exclaimed, 'Yes we do! We always have the pets at home!' Yup. Except cornflake. The fish. He died.
Anyway the point is, traveling is...well, incredible, thrilling and out of this world. it can be so peaceful, and liberating- and at the same time half the time you're spinning out of control in a whirl of unfamiliar faces and sights,and the other half you're trying figure out what time zone you're in and how that relates to the rest of the world. I wouldn't swap my life for the whole, beautiful planet- but that doesn't mean it doesn't have a price, nor does it mean that every time I step out the door I don't take a deep breath, and just let a slight, cold flicker of doubt flash through my mind. A wish for safety. But it's not bravery if you don't feel fear, and I wouldn't be me if I didn't just throw it all aside and have a go anyway. So far, I haven't looked back.
And that's one of the things I love most about England. The unicorn and the lion. The British have never been afraid to confront the unknown- looking for it in everything we see, and no matter what the stereotype or unfortunate political situation- we're brave. Because you just have to think about it- maybe China's the new world power, and the USA leaves us all in the dust, whatever. England's still at the top, and has been for hundreds of years. We 'carry on', but we do it magnificently. Even in Sheffield.

Elephant Trees

Elephant Trees are the most fantastic sort of thing. They're a bit like a baobab tree, huge, with full, bulging trunks and branches that curl around their crown in thick, fantastical wooden tendrils. Their leaves are thick and lush, a sort of wide oval, and dark green on one side, lime on the back. The seeds are pods, as large as the leaves, and the same sort of shape- although these bulge out, and if you tap them they sound hollow. They're hard and light brown. These seeds, on a healthy elephant tree, grow in abundance, rows of them dotting the uppermost branches, some 35 metres up. On a day in summer, perhaps set, perhaps not, all of these seed pods open, like a flower blooming, and from them tumble thousands of light balls of white fluff- like the heads of dandelion clocks the size of your fist, and they're caught in the wind and tumble away in a delicate, fantastical cloud.
Elephant trees are amazing things, they really are.
The only problem with them is that they don't actually exsist- I think.
Which is why me having a memory of watching one's seedpods open and tumble down a street in India whilst my Dad was getting cash from a bank is somewhat..disturbing. It's always been a particularly precious memory of mine- the glaring sun, shining like liquid silver on the backs of the half-broken cars limping down the street, the awe inspiring breadth and height of the tree, learning it's name from an indian man with clever eyes and a nice smile, and watching with baited breath as the seedpods cracked open simultaneously, and those dandelion clocks tumbled in a light wave through the wind, transforming that grotty, back end part of the city into something remarkable. It was such a special memory that around last Christmas, when my family and I were talking about various countries we've visited (both varied and numerous) that I felt the need to recount it in detail- finally unburdening myself of this beautiful memory that had been nagging at the back of my mind. As I finished I looked at their faces, smiling at the past, waiting for them to add their own view on the experience. Their perplexed expressions were not exactly what I was expecting.
I mean sure, if I'd told them pigs could fly, or the sky was green, or I really WAS sane, then maybe...well, probably, but a harmless, pretty little memory? I mean yeesh, I thought, I CAN remember some things guys... So when they explained that it had never happened- at least not when they were there, I suppose my own portrayal of perplexity mirrored theirs.
I suppose that's the thing about memories- they're slippery, glimmering, ephemeral things- like those gauze ribbons you get wrapped around fancy presents (yes, I'm thinking of a certain wonderful Australian aunt)- I mean really, think about your memories, really THINK about them- it's a collection of echoes into the now and the future, shadows, half-remembered songs, words, faces...You sort of know times, but even they are uncertain. The biggest resource for humanity to know where they've come from and what they've been- a collection of multicoloured scraps swimming in the etha of your thoughts, 'electrical impulses and chemicals', and apparently nothing more than something which can be easily explained. Yeah, right.
And of course they shouldn't be- because, in so many ways, memories are the building blocks of the soul, scaffolding, mortar, cement- of emotion and experience and lessons learnt, that make us react logically or irrationally, favour and ignore, develop and grow. They're as much a part of our 'heart' as everything in the now.
And of course- the most precious thing of all is the memories we're given: stories and scraps and words and sounds that grow in precious corners of our mind, for us to pass on to those we love and for them to do so too in turn- it's all very well being politically correct, and 'behaving in public', trying not to exclude other 'ethnic groups' (we're not allowed to call them races are we now?) But the treasures of our culture, the ballads and rhymes and poems and songs, surely they at least are worth preserving? It's one of the many things that make us human- the way we are nourished by a collective set of stories, wild and bright, as old as anyone can remember.
So maybe my Elephant Tree was a memory of a dream, or a daydream, or just a figment of my imagination grown in my subconscious to epic proportions, but that's not going to stop me from passing it on- from reminding everyone around me, those I love and those crazy enough to listen to me, that the world, our lives, each one of us is not only unique- we are a work of art 200 000 years in the making and still growing, still living, making magic and lives and memories, memories, memories- together a tapestry of life and triumph and loss and love, beautiful and surreal and as alive as we are.
At whatever stage of our lives- birth, childhood, adulthood, death and whatever comes after, we're part of something more already- we just need to remember from time to time.

Catharsis

One definition of that funny sounding (and looking word) is: 'A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit.'
Now today, I've been hurtling along on what some people would call, 'an emotional rollercoaster', (which really makes no sense whatsoever, I paid no fee, didn't sit next to an obsese American, and was not once concerned that the metal railings seemed a little too unstable) Still, I suppose it's as good a description as any.
Today I woke up at 6.05 am, I listened to my ipod, with some great new music, and wondered if I preferred Vampire Weekend or Death Cab for Cutie. It took about 45 minutes for me to realise I'd set my alarm early so I'd get time to pack. It took another 15 minutes for me to realise I was supposed to be up early for breakfast anyway, for 7.30am, which lead to me whirling round my room, knocking over several precarious stacks of books, and sprinting down the stairs. It really was quite a whimsical awakening.
When I got downstairs, I realised another thing I'd missed in my half sleeping state. Everyone else was wearing white shirts. Which meant they were in our school's 'best dress'. And as I sat down with my 'healthy' breakfast, and saw a certain picture hanging on the wall, I remembered why they were. Why I should be.
Today was Tony Ho's memorial mass.
It's funny. White's not even a colour:it can be transparent or opaque, good, clinical or detached. And sometimes it just hits you in the face. Bright, blank, clean. Thus began the rollercoaster.
I didn't know Tony particularly well. It took me a moment when I first heard of his murder to even conjure up a fuzzy mental image of his face. I could only remember, in a flashback sort of way that Hollywood would be proud of, a moment in his last term, and my last before starting boarding. It was summer, and he held the door open for me. Generally, people didn't hold the door open for me. I'm normally the one holding the door.On an impulse I told him how my family and I were going to move to Hong Kong, and I'd start boarding. The delighted surprise on his face, followed immediately by an offer to teach my brother and I Chinese, help us settle in with boarding and maybe take us round Hong Kong brightened my day. Just a moment. Just a few words, a smile, and sunlight. But it was special to me.
It also reminded me that in my life I've had an inordinate amount of luck. I feel almost guilty about it, and filled with growing trepidation. In my whole life, I've only known 3 people who have died after I've met them. I have lived 9 and a half thousand miles away, I currently live in two countries 6000 miles apart. I've had at least 4 houses and have family spread across the 93000 square miles of this country. I've known so many people. Yet I've never had to confront death like that. The last time was when I was 10, with my babysitter. I still feel hollow when I think about it.
But that's not what I'm writing about.
The roller-coaster involved frustration with certain inept scottish house mistresses, anger at a lot of things, sadness, empathy, pity, recognition, nostalgia (in great soggy buckets), and then my Catharsis.
But just before I mention that, I'll pinpoint the moment in the mass when I started to cry. I'm in the choir, and we wanted to sing to remember Tony. Before anyone sang however, before anyone even spoke, someone played some music on the piano and we all stood up.
And we watched as two of Tony's close friends, old pupils, came up and put a school rugby jacket at the foot of the altar, next to his picture. That was when my tears started. I really had to fight to suppress the sobs a few minutes later when our DT teacher did the first reading, and started crying as she read it. It was one of the most agonizing, touching, beautifully painful moments of my life. And I loved the fact that we could sing for him. In that mass, everything became very real to me, and at the same time, for a moment, we could all mourn in our own private space. Just for a time, we could give in, and be sorry, and sad. And that, I think, was very right indeed.
Perhaps most remarkable of all was that all of over 400 children from 11 to 19 kept completely silent, sang with all their hearts, and for once made no fuss. Just goes to show, even the 'youth of today' can appreciate some things.
After followed yet more stress, frustration, confusion and me living life as I usually do, in a hectically chaotic state of disarray. (also, my comforting fish and chips were cruelly stolen and replaced with salad and a banana. I was not impressed). Yet now my roller-coaster was somewhat more subdued, there was a fuzzy sheet of glass between me and the me that was on the outside, grinning and yelping in mock outrage and rushing back and forth. And then, finally, at around 4.40pm came my Catharsis.
Sometimes, I love Shakespeare. Considering without us and the scene he wanted to rehearse, there would be no rehearsal, my director came to the chapel and all but dragged me and the 3 other 'lovers' to the theatre.
Thus followed enthusiastic, passionate, hilarious and exhilarating rehearsals,in which I laughed throughout. It was brilliant, and my little bubble of private sorrow melted away. I don't think it was too quick, considering I've felt it for about 2 weeks, but it was nice to feel free again, less inhibited. Plus, seriously, those rehearsals were hilarious.
Really though, when we're gone, what do people remember us by? I don't mean how many Michael Jackson-esque concerts will you receive, or if they'll plant a forest in your memory. Really, what will your friends and family remember you by? Your grades? Your achievements? The latest color you dyed your hair? Or a little fragment of memory. Sunshine. A drawing. A rugby jacket, and a shared loss. Songs and tears. Sometimes, it's the ordinary things that make the most exceptional memories. And to be absolutely honest, it's the best way really.

The thing about Shakespeare...

Is that he always seems to need a heck of a lot of words to say something that could be said in what? Two? I mean yeah yeah, literary genius, language devices, that's all very well, but when I'm trying to learn my lines and I'm repeating six or seven thou's and hateth's when I could say what I'm trying to learn in six or seven words (and I'm a verbose sort of person) you do have to wonder what was going through the great man's head. I mean, really!
Ok, so lets be honest, when he wrote the play 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' it's...unlikely the poor bloke was in his right mind, (and using Puck to apologise, cos even if he's having a funny phase, that man could self edit). Don't get me wrong, I love how bonkers it is- kind of like me, but you look at Midsummer and then you look at, say, Hamlet, and you think, yeeeaahh, ok Shakespeare...
Mind you, he was a funny guy. I mean, I don't think I've ever had the fortune to partake in such amusing rehearsals, I spent most of the time on the floor laughing (and the rest of the time on the floor holding onto the legs of my true love, who hates me). Whether he was a farm boy or a secret Royal (I don't buy the whole gang of people idea, I mean c'mon, they'd have to have a Hive mind to synchronise their style to that degree, and I don't think there were ever that many people who were that brilliant in the same place) Shakespeare was brilliant. A bit like any one of you.
Because Shakespeare, if I'm honest, in my opinion was absolutely exceptional, and I'm not saying that any of you are going to sit down one day and write Macbeth, the sequel. At the same time though, no matter how low your self-esteem, how bad your latest grade or what kind of job/lifestyle/family you've got at the moment, I think it's important to realise that each and every one of you is brilliant. (Especially you, since you read my blog, obviously. ha) Because it's true! There's something special about every single person I've ever met, and I've got to tell you, it continues to astound me. Whether they can sneeze like donald duck,(yeah I know, so cool!!) or just know exactly what to say and when to say it.
Because if you think about it, it's not necessarily the fairies or the Athenians or the dukes that stick in your head when you watch A Midsummer Night's Dream, it's not those fantastic costumes or fancy (over worded) speeches, their ceremony or power. I tell you what, when I saw it the first time when I was twelve, all anyone could talk about was the mechanicals. A bunch of ordinary, average, clumsy people putting on a play in a play. The least remarkable characters, the ones who's very creation was a joke- and yet even as they stumble through their lines and overact into a tragedy so prolonged it's funny, they're great.
And maybe that's what was quite so stunning about Shakespeare. Not the sheer brilliance, or the way he painted words into a dance of tongues and an explosion of colour and emotion. Just the way he could recognise and forge something extraordinary into anyone or anything. Or maybe he just brought out what was already there.
It's a bit like my director said- it's all very well to want to enhance the mystery by saying there's some kind of conspiracy behind Shakespeare and his plays, something to make the intellectuals feel better and us ordinary folk less intimidated.
But isn't it magical enough to just think that some bloke, just an ordinary, average bloke five hundred years ago sat down in an inn with an old feather and a pot of ink and made something so beautiful, so brilliant, so outstanding that it's still alive even today, throbbing at the heart of our society?
Thinking like that, I guess I can probably forgive Shakespeare all those words. But just this once.

Gimme a sec..

..I'm feeling sentimental. Hello all! Did ya miss me? 'Course not, miss never ever updates any more can't be too popular around her lovely readers at the moment, but I promise I'm going to make it up to you. Promise. Really. I've written the post and everything, just in case I forgot. However, first off, I really am feeling rather sentimental, and I just wanted to say a token farewell to David Tennant. Yes, I watch Doctor Who but lets be honest, I've done worse. (I'll give you a clue, it starts with T and ends with t and has got a whole lot of guilty pleasure but not all that much plot in the middle) And really, David Tennant is just a fantastic actor, and that last episode was brilliant. Maybe Russel T Davies could have made it a touch more believable, but it was epic, and Tennant flew through it, pulling on my heartstrings, and even convincing a few tears (ok I admit, I was sobbing). It's a new year, a new doctor, new resolutions (ever actually kept to 'em?Yeah thought not, haha) In fact there's quite a lot of new things, but lets just have a moment to say goodbye to last year- 'cos you know what? It was fantastic.